Chud Cabbage, Chad Cubbage, or a Cabbed Chug?

Chud Cabbage is a peculiar case. Maybe his parents meant to name him Chad Cubbage? Maybe the name Chud was intentional in a Boy Named Sue kind of way— a boy named Cabbage kind of way? Whatever the case, despite the fact that Chud attended a bio-diverse high school in outer space (the International-aeronautical schoolhouse of biodiverse lifeforms) his name still led to nothing but ridicule and ostracization from his peers. In a school of aliens, monsters, zombies, and all sorts of exotic variants of life, irony herself cruelly designated Chud would remain an outlier. However, one person had sympathy for our poorly named protagonist; one machine had sympathy for Chud— that machine being the sentient pizza oven placed in the cafeteria. Every afternoon following classes, Chud would make his way to the dining room, order his meal, and remain behind to conversate with the intelligent cooking appliance. Maybe it was the irony of holding vast levels of intellect only to cook pizzas that made this oven sympathetic towards young Cabbage? The two were perfect for each other, sharing jokes, telling stories, and overall enjoying each other’s company. For the first time, Chud Cabbage had a true friend. This feeling would stick with him through catastrophe, where on an unfortunate evening, someone would break into the school cafeteria to vandalize the kitchen, leading to the demise of Chud’s only friend. The voice of the oven cried out to the darkness: “Chud, I beg. My only friend, please do not respond with anger. Rejoice in the times we spent together, and keep moving forward… my brain muds: clouds, do the true imprison of new—” Silence. The light disappears. The following morning Chud Cabbage would arrive at school, indulging in his routine, ending with the cafeteria. “Cod? Why are they selling Cod?” Chud’s mind flooded with questions. Where was his friend? Why were they selling fish instead of pizza? These curiosities would be interrupted by a heartbreaking realization— Chud’s oven friend was nowhere to be found. Grief struck the boy. Who could take away the one meaningful relationship young Cabbage possessed? The most sickening part of that day was the side dish placed on the menu: cod and CABBAGE. This HAD to be a joke; they knew what they were doing! After this encounter, Chud made a promise that he would rebuild his friendship, in spite of all those laughing at him. Months would pass. The seasons changed (as much as they’re programmed to do in the vacuum of space.) Others heard of Chud Cabbage’s story and offered him a place in their respective circles. Chud always declined. It wasn’t about friendship or loneliness— it was about taking back the only positive thing this school had ever given him. Fortunately for Chud, the other good part about taking classes in outer space is that, unsurprisingly, there are hundreds of engineers one could shadow for experience in mechanical craftsmanship. This would begin the boy’s process of learning how to build, program, and install living machines throughout the campus. Chud’s new routine involved finishing his classes, skipping the cafeteria, and ending his day in the office of some egghead alien’s workshop. Eventually, Chud would have his first prototype built! Upon booting up the sentient TOASTER OVEN, a few words beaconed: “Farewell, thou!” That one exploded… For some reason no matter how many living appliances Chud crafted, they would all end with an explosion and zero progress obtained. Could it be an incorrectly installed CPU? Boom! Maybe the memory wasn’t fast enough? Pop! Always the same. However, an idea struck our engineer. Making a run for the cafeteria, Chud searched the rubble placed in the janitorial closet for any remnants of the oven; anytime a recognizable part was discovered, Chud installed it into a brand-new pizza oven. First the door, then the lamp, and finally the motherboard. After moments of anticipation, Chud flipped the switch to engage the machine. Silence. The light flickers, and then the connection is established. The two friends were finally reunited! However, many questions still remain. Who had done this to the cafeterias, and why would someone go out of their way to sabotage their friendship? This is when the intelligent pizza oven explained its plan. By purposefully ending its existence, the hope would be that Chud would grow as a person and find his place in the world without the presence of the oven. Chud was no longer the lonely outlier— he now had a place in the school, working with engineers and helping make the campus a better place for everyone who laughed at him. After this, the two friends sat together, grateful for the impact they’d had on each other's lives.